I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
