I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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