dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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