Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
