I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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