I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
