I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
