I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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