just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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