i just snorted my name. best moment ever
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
