ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Sext me about skeletons
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
