Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
