I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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