I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Little spoons don't ask big questions
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
