508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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