Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
