Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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