Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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