My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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