i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
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What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
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