You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
