i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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