I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
whose parrot is this?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
