Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
