white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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