he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
