no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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