My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
