I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
