There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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