i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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