Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
