Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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