Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
