We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
