All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
