I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Randomize
