So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Shame - the story of my life.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
