I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
