Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
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