dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
