ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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