Too much gin, very little bucket
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just found puke in my bra..
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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