Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
