My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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