I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Fuck me I smell like cheese
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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