Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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