I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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