Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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