I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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