wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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