I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
