if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
