I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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